The Uncensored Bible The Bawdy And Naughty Bits Of The Good Book by Various

Author:Various [Various]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2010-12-27T07:00:00+00:00

12

Q

Does the Bible Command

Bikini Waxing?

The l a s t pl a ce you might expect to find a divine dictate for pubic shaving is in the last four books of the Pentateuch.

These books are considered so dry and tedious that even evangelicals, known for their biblical devotion, rarely make it through alive.

Viewed as a vast wasteland of verbal tedium, akin to reading the federal penal code, the books contain long lists of laws God gave to Moses soon after the Israelites escaped from Egypt and began their forty-year sightseeing tour of the desert. The most famous regulations found here are the Ten Commandments. But among the litany of rules are some hidden gems, and this chapter takes up an especially good one.

First, a quick legal lesson for your own good. The Israelite codes in the Pentateuch included two types of laws—those that supplied punishments and those that didn’t. The Ten Commandments are an example of the second kind: they did not come with a punishment.

But many other Hebrew laws did. For example, here’s a colorful one 100

The Uncensored Bible

you don’t see practiced much anymore except maybe in Saudi Arabia:

“When the daughter of a priest profanes herself through prostitution, she profanes her father; she shall be burned to death.”1

And try these others on for size:

“Whoever curses father or mother shall be put to death” 2 (meaning no kid today would survive).

“You shall not permit a female sorcerer to live.” 3

“You shall not have sexual relations with any animal and defile yourself with it, nor shall any woman give herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it: it is perversion.” 4

“You shall not make any gashes in your flesh for the dead or tattoo any marks upon you: I am the LORD.” 5

The strange thing about these laws is that they indicate people must have been doing these things—getting tattoos, having sex with animals, cursing Mom and Dad, and practicing sorcery. Some

“ chosen people.” No wonder God let all (but two) of them die in the desert.

The Problem in a Nutshell

Now let’s shine our bright light of research on perhaps the strangest crime mentioned in the Bible: grabbing a man’s cojones. The Scrip-ture states:

If men get into a fight with one another, and the wife of one intervenes to rescue her husband from the grip of his opponent by reaching out and seizing his genitals, you shall cut off her hand; show no pity. 6

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